White Christmas

So I’m flipping through the channels last night (Xmas eve) and today, and I keep getting stuck on PBS. Every time I flip past it, something catches my eye and makes me think “What the fuck was that?” And inevitably, what it is is white people doing stupid shit. In formal attire. This morning, it was two women performing some ridiculous dance wherein they were evidently not allowed to stand. So they just cavorted on the floor together, which kept inexpicably not turning into lesbian porn. And why would they roll around on the floor together if they’re not trying to either A) boink each other, or B) kill each other? Because it wasn’t impressive. I have a great deal of respect for dancers because they’re capable of doing astounding things with their bodies. But somersaults are not astounding. Nor is lying on your back or sitting on your ass. I can do all of those things right now, and I’m out of shape. Maybe there’s a symbollic element to the dance — they’re channelling lovebirds in a cage, unable to fly or some shit. But that’s more of an exercise than a performance, isn’t it? Atheletes need to stretch before they play, but we have the good sense to not televise it, because it sucks. And that’s my point: white people frequently try to pass off exercises that could help you perform better as performances. Great, you can roll around: now do that at the end of a tumbling pass in gymnastics, and I’ll watch. Quit doing vocal exercises (see: choirs and a capella ensembles) and fucking sing. Quit swaying and dance. Why do caucasians always sucker you? It’s goddamn embarrassing.

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